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Will I Make it?
Hi I am a 35 year old wife and mother of five and I used Meth for the first time a year and a half ago. Having five children and a husband became so demanding. My husband and I were having problems and the stress of feeling like I'd lost him (the only person in my life who saw me as a beautiful creature created by God and sent to him) made me even more exhausted with my day to day task. I was deeply depressed and beat. I started taking diet pills for weight loss, but after a while because they gave me so much energy found myself taking them for that purpose only. I was still sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Feeling like the weight of my life and the world was going to kill me.
I was sitting at my desk at work tired and crying when a so called friend ( who was in an executive position at the company where I worked) came over. She asked what was wrong and before I knew it I blurted the whole story out to her. She told me that she had something that would help. She lead me to her car and introduced me to the darkest descent into hell I could have ever imagined. After that we would smoke on occasion when I needed that pick me up again, between those times I would buy my co workers diet pills to fill in the gaps. I lost time and memory but couldn't admit that this drug had taken hold of me. I was spending money like it was water and lying and hiding it from my husband.
I always considered myself to be a good wife and mother, no one could have ever told me that I would be using a narcotic drug for energy and after a while for the pleasure of not having to deal with my life. I began to use more offen with this co worker because as she put it " I don’t see how you can make it without it." I lost my oldest son to his biological father one year after his younger brother had already gone. My mother and sister in law were pretty much the only women in my life that I could talk to without feeling judged. I spoke with them in deep detail regarding my husband and me. Things that never should have been shared with anyone accept him, and yet they knew nothing of my dealings with this drug. I got involved with another man on my job who was also married. For over a year my husband knew nothing of this or the drug and for five months he and I worked at the same company.
My life was in shambles and the saddest thing was that I knew the Lord, and I knew that he was not pleased. One afternoon after leaving work early (because I was so aigitated with my co workers) I came home to my husbands deserning mind. He'd known something was wrong with me but had no idea the degree of what I'd done. And I had no idea how I was going to tell him. Well he managed to get the affair out of me. Which lead him to question everything else about me and my motives. I'd spun myself into a twisted web of deceipt and I had no one to blame but myself.I walked out of our beautiful home the next morning and into another hell. I called back and told him that I was leaving ( with our three remainig children) him and would not be back. I moved into a friends house who had no heat and not much else. My kids and I slept on air mattresses and that was the most that I'd slept in over a year.
One night after I hadn't used in a while I remembered the week before I'd gotten some from my supplier (the person on my job who'd introduced this demon to me). I went outside and smoked it. When I came back in my husband called and told me that he was in the neighborhood and wanted to come and see me. I told him how to get to the house but didn't realize I was high until he was pulling into the drive way. He came in and immediately knew something was wrong but still had no idea that it was drugs. He thought I was hiding that man in the house.
The next morning I woke up and spoke with my husband about working this job that was so far away from our home which had exposed me to this affair and although he didn't know this BEAST. I called and quit my job, and went to the car wash to clean out my van. I found the pipe and threw it out with the rest of the GARBAGE. I haven't touched it since, but I have no respect for myself, and can't expect anyone else to respect me because of what I've done. I have almost cost my husband his business and although my children don't know anything, I know what I potentially have done to them. I hate myself for all that I have done and don't know when or how long it will take before my self respect and dignity are restored. All this because I needed to get more energy, because I was too much of a coward to talk with the only man I have ever loved about my pain.
I finally told him about it and he was the most understanding loving man that I've ever known.
How could I allow myself to become some other mans whore and this drugs bitch. I needed it though, if I didn't get what it could give to me I wouldn't have enough time in the day to get everything done that I needed to do. What a BIG LIE. I have been away from it for almost two months and I thank the Lord that I don't struggle with cravings. I am however, struggling to get through the havoc Meth has brought over my life. I cry constantly and my husband is in so much pain until I could just kill myself for what I've done to him. For any mother who thinks this is the answer PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hear me, it has no answers, only more questions and concerns. Find another way to manage your time. Meth doesn't give you time it takes time away from you.
I still feel that I will loose him and I feel its what I deserve for what I've caused so don't take this road please. I have constant head aches and my hands shake all the time. My 3 year old is always asking me whats wrong and if I am ok. If he only knew!!!!! Appreciate life Mothers and Wives, and love and family. Be grateful for the things that you are blessed with. For the first time in almost two years I am not numb and the pain is so much greater than it was before I started using, not to mention the tragedies that I brought through my use. Trust God and his joy will be your strength. I know that God hasn't put more on me than I can bear, its just extremely hard getting through it. But I am encouraged and I am a fighter, I fought for the drug and now I am fighting to live after it!!!
--Monica |
Click Here to Get Clean and Sober
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