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Poison and Lies all equals Dies!
I am 34 years old, and I have never had a drug problem....I have never been a heavy drinker. I am a college graduate with a good job and two beautiful kids. I divorced my husband five years ago because he had a crack problem, and made a promise to myself and my children that I would never allow another user to rule my life.
Two and a half years ago, I met a wonderful man not long after I had lost my job, who quickly became my "savior." Even before he moved into the home I had bought on my own, he would give me money to help with bills on the weeks that my unemployment checks didn't cover everything. Six months into our relationship, Chistmas came, and he gave me 500 dollars so that I could give my kids a good Christmas. Christmas eve, after getting the kids' stockings and gifts ready, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. We cried together and I accepted, and thought everything could not be any more perfect. Two weeks later I found a good job, and I thought everything would be allright.
Little did I know, he had demons he was fighting in his head. Shortly after that magical night, he relapsed into his addiction with meth. At first it was a little, here and there. He would spend twenty or thirty dollars a week on this evil drug. Now, a year and a half later, I have lost my home, he is no longer here, and I am broken. Not because I did anything wrong, except love someone with all of my heart.
I cannot believe that although I have never had a drug problem, for the past 10 years someone else's drug problem has had ahold of me. I cannot get over the fact that at some point he lost enough respect for me and my children that he took that first hit again. I caught him smoking in the bathroom, have watched him melt away to just a pathetic shell of the man he once was. I always saw him as this strong, very masculine man.....he was a bullrider, a farmer, loved working with his hands. Now he is nothing but a ghost of the man I fell in love with. We talk,and he makes empty promises about making things better, getting out of that town, the one where he has all the connections to get what he needs. He talks of a better life where we can build back the trust that we once had between us........but I am scared. Scared to let myself believe him, but scared no to try because I know if I don't he will probably be dead or in prison in a year's time. Scared because my children are coming to the age that someone somewhere is going to offer them something, and hoping I have set a good enough example that they will be strong enough to turn it down and walk away. I gave him a picure today, taken Easter 2005. It is a picture of my children, myself, and my former hero, the love of my life. In the picture, we are all happy and smiling. He is strong and happy and healthy. He kept telling me that he had not changed that much. I thrust the picture in his face and told him to take a good long look at himself in the mirror. Look at the dark circles, the sunken-in face. Look at the damage you are doing to your once beautiful body. He looked in the mirror for a long time. He took the picture from me and folded it up and put it in his pocket. Then, he broke down and cried. His mother cried, his stepfather cried. I don't know if this is going to be what helps him kick this terrible addiction, or if I am just chasing a fantasy. He says he is ready to change. He says he is going to get clean. Then he will come home. I don't believe him.....how could I after all of the lies? I don't know if this letter will help anyone, but it has been very therapeutic to me to get everything down anonomously. I am a professional woman, and this is all quite embarrassing to me. I keep thinking over and over in my head.... I have never had a drug problem, but a drug problem has me. My prayers are with all of the wives, girlfriends, children, mothers, fathers....all of the people that love someone that cannot let it go. Someone told me not to hate the person, to hate the drug........I feel like our society has been educated on the dangers of this drug long enough (I myself was a peer counselor in high school 15 years ago) that we should all know better. On the other hand, having not ever been an addict, I cannot understand the difficulty of it all. My fiance was nine years old the first time his older cousin smoked pot with him----what is wrong with our society? All I know is this epidemic is robbing us of our loved ones, either by death, imprisonment, or abandonment, and I truly believe it is the devil's drug. Peace be with you all and God Bless. --Anonymous |
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