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Meth Enabler
life with my husband gets so frustating I want to rip my hair out. I sometimes feel like I am all alone in being the clean spouse of an addict. At the end of every day I tell myself I should leave him but I don't want to do that either.
Yesterday was our 6 year anniversary. Through the last 6 years I have been trying to teach myself not to build up any expectations around holidays because I know I will only be let down. Every year I lose the battle and always hope that this year will be different. After not coming home or calling for a week, my hisband finally drug himself home at 10 the night before our anniversary, slept all day long the day of our anniversary, and today, the day after, went running, yelling and screaming out of the house because I for once had the courage to say something to him about how sitting around watching him sleep for our anniversary was not any fun for me.
I read all these e-mails and deal with all the same stuff, the not sleeping, eating, coming home, calling. Not caring. I check my huband's voice mail on his cell phone and he has all messages from other women. I wonder about his faithfullness to me though he says he would be stupid to get involved with another dumb (expletive).
The thing that continually shocks me about my husband's abuse is how much I let it hurt me over and over again. I didn't know he had a problem until the day before he was married. I am from a family of addicts, and I am shocked that I went on with the wedding. I was too ashamed to admit to anyone he had a problem. We now live totally separate lives. The few friends that I have managed to keep throughout this are supportive but don't know what to say. I actually pushed all my friends away because I was so embarassed by what was going on. The end result is that I am basically a single person who is married to an addict.
I work three jobs seven days a week and have for the last three years so I can keep everything afloat. My hisband doesn't work. We live in his parents' basement and have for almost our entire marriage. I consider myself a smart, intuitive girl but I cry myself to sleep every night because of this. I cry when he isn't home driving myself crazy wondering where he is, who he is with, are they talking bad about me? I cry myself to sleep when he is home because he is just a shadow of the person who I met. He won't go out to eat, won't go to the movies, won't go shopping, for walks on the beach or anything we used to do together. I know this is all drug-related, but I can't help but take it personally, and I end up hurt all over again.
I always thought I wouldn't do this. I know I would be better off if I left. I see now that we will never have normal lives - we will never own a house, drive nice vehicles, and the worst is, that I know we will never return to that simple happiness we once knew because my husband is too far gone. He LIVES for meth. The only thing I am grateful for is that early on I realized that we could never have children together, so I have pushed all my maternal instincts to the side. Not that he is ever home to make kids anyway.
Well...I m back this site helps me .My kids father is all most fourty., still does meth with his friends. We no longer are together, its easer for him to have a crank girlfriend.I see so many kids that have a lost parent to meth .Were living in a world eight out of ten use crank, it seems. He just got is truck taken, because cant get it right and he wont admit why. After thirteen years Ive known him, he still wont say why ,all he does say is poor me,Im sick of hearing that . Meth is pure hell on earth ,ive never used.I could just see with my two eyes. Habits could be broken.Iv also seen that too.
--Suzann |
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May, 2012
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